Breaking the dawn
by Anae-chan
Summary: Growing up isn't easy. Your sins, pains, plans, hopes, emotions -they vary, grow, change as time passes. How long will they stay hidden and non-existent? How long can you pretend that you're not human, lie that you have no feelings? This story starts from the very beginning and passes through time, until the war is over and drawn may break -if it ever breaks through the dark night.
1. The 1st night: Begin again

_Title: Breaking the dawn  
Author: Anae  
Beta: Azrax  
Fandom: D. Gray-Man  
Pairing: Lavi/Yuu  
Rating: overall M/NC-17, this chapter PG-13  
Spoilers: Overall, thorough the manga (and anime)  
Disclaimer: I do not own the boys, but I own my writing.  
Summary: Growing up is not easy - the more you grow up, the more you understand, and the more you understand, the more painful it is. Your sins, pains, plans, hopes, emotions - they all vary, grow, change as the time passes. How long will they stay hidden and non-existent? How long can you pretend and lie that you are not human, that you don't feel a thing? This story starts from the very beginning and passes through time, until the war is over and drawn may break - if it ever breaks through the dark night.  
Important note: In the beginning of each chapter, there will be an important A/N and rant A/N. I sincerely hope you'll read the important A/Ns, because in them, I explain why some things happen they do - why I see them the way I do. You'll get a lot more out of the story, trust me. Rant A/Ns... Not so important, but you might want to take a look at them.  
Note 2: Most of these pieces would work as a stand-alone fics - but not all of them. And more importantly, together they form a complete story.  
**Important A/N**: If you feel my current Kanda is different from what you might think, think a little what he's recently been through - he killed his best friend just a little time ago. And everyone he ever knew is dead, too. And the people around him now see him as nothing more but a weapon - because he has the ability to wield Innocence - and most of them don't even speak the same language (we'll get back to the language thing in a few chapters). And last but not least, he's only 10 years old, and that's his physical age. I dare to think that in some ways, he's younger (and in other ways, older). Bottom line is, he's just been through hell, and he's still just a child. Think of these things as you read, and you may see the hurting child I see.  
Rant A/N: Hi everyone, and welcome! After I finished Dawn of the night, I didn't think I'd write another long DGM fic, especially something that starts before the manga and goes all the way through it. But there were some things I've been itching to write for a long time now, and, well, my imagination took a ride and told me another way things might go. And this is that story. In some chapters, I'll introduce Lavi and before long, the boys will get to do things (this is NC-rated for a reason), but before that, I want to take stroll through childhood to borderline of adulthood. (And hey, I love Tiedoll.) Hope you'll enjoy the ride! (Don't forget to leave a review to say hi!)_

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_The 1st night – Begin again_

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"_We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell."_  
- Oscar Wilde

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A brown-haired man takes a deep breath before opening the door – it's somewhat ridiculous that he feels like this over meeting a child. He's an Exorcist after all – fighting the Akuma and searching for Innocence is what he makes for living and that's not enough to make him nervous – not anymore – but a child, no, this child he's never even met before, is.

At the very moment the man steps inside the room and sees the child sitting at the corner of the room – in which the kid has been confined for some days now, until the Order figured out what to do with him – wrapped into a protective ball, he feels sorry for the poor child. How could he not – the poor boy has lost everything he's ever had; his home, his 'family', his friend.

"Hello, Yuu", he says as he steps closer, eyes on the boy.

The child lifts his head and the man is surprised to see a sharp, blue gaze. "Don't call me that", the boy snaps, anger evident in his words.

"Why?" the man asks, but gets no answer in return as the boy turns his head, eyes fixed to the floor. A sigh escapes the Exorcist – he doesn't understand why he wouldn't be allowed to call the child by his first name, but he understands the anger beneath. Losing home, losing everyone who cared within a night – only to be dragged into European branch and be locked up to a cramped room, alone. On top of it, Yuu doesn't understand what people around him are saying – he doesn't speak the same language as they do, and those able to speak Japanese are few and far between – the Chief Officer being one of the few, but the man has no interest in anything else but making the child into an Exorcist. Nothing else matters.

Sometimes the man cannot understand what's going on in his superiors' heads – special powers or no, child is just a child.

Not too many hours ago he was briefed of the events – accident, as the Order dubs it – that lead to the destruction of the whole Asian branch, the only survivors being an Exorcist named Noise Marie and this child – Yuu Kanda. On the same breath, they briefed him about the Second Exorcist program, but just briefly, because even the generals don't need to know that much.

Even if they're asked to take a child with extra-ordinary healing powers as their student.

"My name is Froi Tiedoll", the man introduces himself, kneeling in front of the kid in hope to let the child know that he's not here to hurt him. "I'm an Exorcist and a general", he tells the boy, eyes never leaving the small figure.

Yuu's eyes flicker up as he looks at the general, but this time it's not only anger that his eyes reflect – but also fear. Before Tiedoll can say anything to make things right, the boy speaks. "So you're on their side?"

Tiedoll is not sure what Yuu means by 'their side', but now he understands that the child didn't think of him as an Exorcist. He doesn't possess the aura that most Exorcists seem to have – confident, strong and overpowering to some extent – no, his aura carries over calm and kindness; he doesn't seem like a man who sees more death than life. And he prefers to stay that way. But it's not only the aura that made the child think wrong - the biggest reason is, by no doubt, that he isn't wearing his uniform jacket – the cloth is useful in the battle and he's more than grateful to have it, but in the headquarters, he prefers leaving it off. "I work for the Order, if that's what you mean."

Yuu stands up, hands on the wall, his haunted eyes never leaving the general.

"Yuu –", Tiedoll starts, but his statement cuts short when Yuu tries to make a run for it, passing the general from distance – too close and the man could've caught him – and dashing to the open door.

Tiedoll is no ordinary Exorcist, but Yuu's reaction and speed surprise him – the child's faster than your average human. Not that it does any good for him, not when there's a CROW and Chief Officer waiting at the door to see if Tiedoll can make Kanda his student.

So Tiedoll shouldn't be so surprised when he hears Yuu yell "Let me go!" before CROW throws the child back inside the room with brutal force.

As the small body hits the cold stone floor with enough force to make him roll around a couple of times, the child only lets out a whimper, and nothing else.

Tiedoll knows that Yuu heals. That he doesn't die. But that doesn't mean he doesn't feel pain – that he should be treated like that. As Tiedoll rises up to his feet, a man leaning on the door speaks out.

"Let you go?" Yuu's still lying on the ground as he lifts his gaze to look at the speaking man. The man is wearing fully white uniform – he's the Chief Officer of Black Order, a man in his fifties, but still more than capable running the place. "Out there? Alone?" He makes a gesture to the walls and the cruel, free world that lies beyond them.

As the Chief Officer looks into Kanda's blazing eyes, he lets out a cold laughter. "Oh no. Not before you're an Exorcist of the Order."

"I'll never –" Kanda exclaims, pushing his small body upwards from the floor – the scratches and bruises, possible fractures that the CROW caused him, are already healed.

But he's not allowed to finish – the Chief Officer is here only for one thing – to show the child his place. And despite not being an Exorcist, the man has seen many things, many monsters in different shapes during his life, and knows how to rule them – with fear. A man like him has nothing to fear from a child, especially not when CROW has his back. With his Innocence, Kanda might stand a chance, but with it being gone, he's no match to a fully trained CROW. So he takes a fistful of Kanda's hair and yanks the kid's head back as he leans closer, ignoring the pained whimper that escapes from Yuu's mouth, and small dark eyes meeting blue ones.

"Do you not understand? Neither your body, nor your life belongs to you. They belong to the Order. You belong to the Order."

"Chief Officer, I think that's –" Tiedoll starts, standing now, and takes a step towards his superior. Even as a general, he's not supposed to stand against this man – he knows the chain of command here – but he can't not feel for Yuu, whose strength and resistance are visibly starting to crumble, even if the child tries his best not to show it. But the man's not done – not before he teaches the disobedient child his place.

"Try to leave and we'll hunt you down. There's nowhere to hide." That would be more than enough – but since it's no ordinary child they're dealing with, an extra blow is needed. He yanks Kanda's head back, stronger and more painful this time, but the child bites his lip not to cry out. "Besides, who would hide a monster like you?"

"Now that's more than enough", Tiedoll interrupts as he takes the Chief Officer by wrist and forces the man to let go of Yuu. He eyes the child that backs back to the wall, arms coming around his legs to form a protective ball – head resting on his knees, blocking the cruel world out.

Before the Chief Officer protests, the general lets go of his hand. "We agreed he'll be my student, no? So let me take care of this." Then, the general ignores the man completely, kneeling next to a child that deserves none of this.

"Yuu", he calls out, but gets nothing in return. The child is trying to block him and the rest of the world out, trying to protect himself the only way that seems to be working – by going to a place where nobody but he exists, where nobody can hurt him.

It's too bad that the worst monsters, words, can climb their way over any wall and find their way to a broken heart.

Tiedoll can see tears forming in the corners of the Yuu's eyes, and wants nothing more than to take the boy in his arms, hug him, and make him believe that none of this is his fault, that he's not a monster, but a human.

But he knows better than that – he can see from the stiff form of the boy that he wants nothing more than to be left alone. But that is something he can't do – he can't leave the boy alone. Should he walk out of that door now, the boy would be truly left alone. "Is there something you want to do?" Tiedoll asks to break the silence, to cut off its poisonous threads.

He's surprised when the child answers, voice holding back all the emotions that rumble within. "I want to find her."

Tiedoll cocks his head to side, curious now, since this is something that nobody told him about – something that nobody knew, not even Marie. "Her?"

Again, no answer.

"Do you know where she is?" he asks kindly, hoping for an answer that he can use to his favor.

A headshake.

"In that case, your best option for finding her is to travel around the world. As an Exorcist, you'll be able to do that. But to be one, you need a master", Tiedoll explains, eyes never leaving the small figure. As much as he'd want to give Yuu the freedom he's craving for, it's something he cannot do – but he can give Yuu a reason to be an Exorcist. It might be cruel, but running away and being dragged back to the Order time and time again breaking the already broken heart into smaller and smaller pieces is something much, much worse. "And I'd like to be yours."

Finally, finally Yuu lifts his gaze. There isn't much strength left there – just pain. "Why?" he asks, voice so small and tired.

The honest wonder of the child's voice breaks Tiedoll's heart – as if caring would be something forbidden, something Yuu doesn't think he should experience (again).

"Because I care about you, Yuu."

"Don't call me that!" the child snaps, and somehow, it makes the general feel a bit better – it means the child is not broken, despite all he's been through, not quite yet.

"Why?" he asks, voice nothing but kind – pushing is something he shouldn't do, but that's not what this is – he fears that the reason lays deep within the bleeding, hurting heart, and it's something that cannot be healed. Part of him hopes for the answer, but the other part of him wishes he'll never know.

And not surprisingly, part of him was right.

Yuu's voice is quiet as he speaks – the ball he's curled himself in tightens with every sentence he makes. "He did. They did. And now they're all dead."

Again, Tiedoll doesn't see the child's eyes – but now he has his answer, as painful as it is. The answer gives him a small glimpse to what Yuu's thinking – how he was left alone to this cold, cruel world with everyone who ever cared about him dead and cold.

How frightening thing caring and letting someone care is. (vaihdoin sanajärjestystä)

"Yuu, I'm a general. I won't die that easily", Tiedoll tries, trying to sound convincing. He knows fully well that every single mission could be his last one, whether he's a general or not – being general just means that he's survived long enough to be more powerful than most of the Exorcists.

"You don't know that."

That's right, he doesn't. He never will know either, and as much as Tiedoll already cares for Yuu and wants the child to be his student, he won't succumb to making false promises, especially not to someone who lost so much in overnight.

But it doesn't mean he's willing to give up, either. He won't give up on trying to make his way to the child, to make him believe that there's someone here with him – especially not now, when he feels he's so close.

"Yuu, Marie, the Exorcist you saved, is my student as well." They heard most of the story from Marie – some from young Bak Chan who survived as well, but he wasn't the one who was with Kanda. Upon hearing that Tiedoll might be the master for Yuu, Marie came to talk to the general, asking if it would be alright for him to take two students in one go – and who was Tiedoll to disagree?

Marie cares about Yuu, too.

"Would that really be so bad to be my pupil?" Tiedoll asks again, searching for an eye-contact, yet not receiving one. Only silence is his answer – it isn't a yes, but it isn't a no, either.

And with Yuu, it is already a victory.

"So how about it, Yuu?" Tiedoll asks once again as he offers his hand to the child – it's his last chance, he knows it, feeling the eyes of the Chief Officer on him. Should Yuu say no, he'd be given to someone else – it doesn't matter to the Chief Officer how many strings he has to pull to make Yuu Kanda an Exorcist, and it certainly doesn't matter who makes him one.

And even though Tiedoll respects the others generals greatly, he doesn't want that – doesn't want to give Yuu up. Even if the truth is that he might not be able to help Yuu much – he doubts anyone can heal a heart so pained – even a broken one would be easier to fix – and he doubts Yuu can ever let go of the hate he feels towards the Order.

But he could give him one thing – love.

Yuu's eyes are on the hand that's stretched out for him – his expression is a complicated mixture of hidden emotions, so it's impossible to tell which option he'll take.

_Please._

Still, it comes as a surprise when in silence, a small hand takes a bigger one.

The two stand up in silence, child not looking at the adult, just quietly following him out of the room – but as they pass by the CROW and Chief Officer, the grip of that small hand tightens and that small, lithe body presses closer to the general's big form, a smile breaks on the new master's, father's, face.

He has a student now – something akin to a son – and he's hell-bent on not only teaching but also protecting the child as much as he can along the long, long way they have ahead.


	2. The 2nd night: Flower bud

_Beta: Azrax (Thanks again! He had lots of school stuff, and that's why this release took so long. Hope we'll be faster in the future!)  
__Rating: This one is PG-13  
__**Important A/N**: This is my take on of the time Kanda got reforged Mugen from Zu Mei Chang, and of the flashbacks we see in the manga concerning how Kanda sees lotus(es). Remember his thoughts in chapter 208? "In the past, there was an Exorcist who likened himself to a flower. Why couldn't I remember.. Those words, that young person's name..." I firmly believe he means Kanda, and the lotus Kanda sees. Which means, he knew Kanda in his previous life. Yet he did what he did.  
__Rant A/N: Like I say above, I believe now that Zu Mei knew Kanda in his previous life. And guess if I hyperventilated after realizing that - I did, a lot. I can't believe how I've missed that every time I've read that chapter. And I've read it a lot, especially because of writing. Btw, if you've read the manga (I hope you have), you can't miss the little things I've put in the text; the flashbacks. Those who have read my stories before may have noticed that I have a thing for flashbacks - and I couldn't resist one, not with the lotuses Kanda sees. But enough of me. Hope you enjoy, don't forget to leave a comment!_

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_The 2__nd__ night: Flower bud_

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_When heart is open, the lotus blossoms._

- Unknown

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The first time Tiedoll lets Yuu out of his eyesight is when the boy is given his Innocence – a sword that in clueless, untrained eyes looks like a traditional Japanese katana. But it isn't exactly that – according to the maker, Zu Mei Chang, it is chokuto, a straight Japanese sword without a tsuba, a guard at the end of the grip. The black hilt of the sword is emblazoned with white cross, and dark sheath matches to the style.

The old man gives the sword to Kanda, who takes it to his hand – there's no hesitation in the boy's movements, but by looking at his eyes, it is clear that he feels contradicted. How could he not – his Innocence is what made him suffer; it is what got him into this mess in the first place - it's what binds him to the Order, stole away his freedom, and killed his only friend, but at the same time, it is also his only weapon against the Akuma that he's bound, forced, to fight against if he ever wants to find her.

"It's called Mugen."

Blue gaze lifts from the weapon that is too big for a child no more than nine years old and fixes to the man, flame of curiosity ignited. "Six illusions?"

Beautiful and deadly form is not all there's to the sword – it's much, much more than a finely forged, dangerous blade.

"Yes", the old man admits. The sword stands for its name – Six Illusions. "Within Mugen, there are six difference 'illusions' that you can use. Each of them is stronger than the other, but it comes with a cost – the faster and stronger you get, the more it eats your life." The man pauses. "So you might want to think carefully when to push it."

Any Exorcist or human in general would be shocked to hear that their weapon eats away their life if used to the full extent – but Kanda just blinks, twice, and answers: "Okay."

To the child, losing his life and weakening his healing powers isn't anything he'll worry about – he knows that the more he gets hurt and dies, the weaker his healing powers become, and at some point, he won't be able heal anymore – that'll be the time death claims him. The boy saw it already happen to Alma – he knows exactly how he'll die, exactly the same way he killed Alma – until his healing powers are used up, he cannot die, but when they run out, there's nothing to do.

In a way, that knowledge makes Kanda feel better – unlike monsters, humans die, so it means that one day, he'll be human, too. Despite what Tiedoll and Marie say, Kanda doesn't see himself as a human – the two have somewhat succeeded to make him believe that he's a person, not a complete monster, but human? Humans die. He doesn't. Even if he wanted to, he can't.

So there's no reason to be agitated over the loss of some life.

The man gives him a small smile and turns to leave – he knows Kanda needs some time alone with his thoughts, with his newly forged Innocence before being able to face anyone – but softly spoken words stop him.

"Um…"

The old man turns to see the child. He can see a question behind the blue eyes, a question the boy's almost afraid to ask – a question he cannot ask from his master, not because it would mean trouble, but because he knows Tiedoll won't have the answer – the only one that might have it is Zu Mei Chang, the only living he knows to have a vast knowledge of Second Exorcist program and its candidates. What Kanda doesn't know, is that Zu Mei's also the man who started it all – who started the Order's biggest mistake, the Second Exorcist program.

"I…" Kanda is still unsure if he should ask the question that's bothered him for quite some time now – he fears that asking it will lead him to trouble like it would've led just a few weeks ago, back in China. But this man knows that he remembers glimpses of his past life – even if they're just glimpses, he knows that they're from a life he used to have. Before he died and was resurrected against his will.

So he decides it might not be the world's end, especially if he's not totally honest. "Back in China, I saw lotuses."

The child's voice in hesitant, unsure – he's afraid of the reaction of the man, afraid for not getting an answer, afraid of the answer itself.

"Do you see these lotuses now?"

Kanda doesn't answer – an implication of the answer itself – but that's not what the old man needs.

"Kanda… Do you still see the flower?"

Kanda doesn't yet dare to look up to the man's face – instead, he looks on their feet, looks at the tens of pink and white, beautiful lotuses looming there. "Yes. It's budding."

Whether it's relevant or not, Kanda doesn't know – but he thinks it is. He's seen these lotuses for some time now, and they're never blossoming – each and every single one of them is budding, not blooming.

"I see." Zu Mei kneels in front of Kanda, and the boy opens his eyes, looking the old man in the eye – he knows the man doesn't see the lotuses, no one but he does, and he knows it's crazy, that's he's insane, but it doesn't seem like a passing thing, so he has to know. Has to ask.

"Let's keep this a secret, just between you and me." What took place in China, what led to that massive bloodbath, to destruction, were the surfaced memories – should Kanda have all of them up as well, the same might happen all over again. That is something no one wishes for – but the old man doesn't want the product of all the hard work to be wasted – after all, apart from Bak and him, the Chan family lost their lives when Alma went on rampage. And as selfish as it is, Zu Mei doesn't want it to be all in vain.

"You mustn't dwell on it." The man's voice is kind but firm as he speaks – it isn't meant to frighten or worry, yet it's almost like an order. "It is an illusion."

When there's no answer from the boy, the man pushes further, emphasizes his point. "That flower is an illusion."

Kanda's eyes never leave the man's as he listens, and eventually, nods – it's some kind of a confirmation, but it's not what the boy hoped to hear, even if he doesn't know what it was that he wished for. At least the man doesn't tell him that he's crazy to be seeing such things, but it is heavily implied that it would be for the best to ignore the lotuses on their feet, to act as if they don't exist.

The boy knows he can do that, that's what he's done with them so far – but it is not that easy. He knows the beautiful flowers mean something, just not what and why, and part of his heart clenches as he sees the flowers, but part of him wishes they'd just disappear.

He doesn't know if they ever will.

But he won't ask about it.

Instead, as the man rises to his feet, he says: "Thank you."

Zu Mei gives him a smile in return and watches as the small boy to opens the closed door and slips away. The man knows that even if he hadn't told Kanda to stay quiet about the lotuses, it's not like he'll tell many – there was so much hesitation in his posture and voice, and the old man knows he's, purposefully, only made it worse.

The truth is, the old man knows more of those flowers than he admitted – he remembers a young man that likened himself to that flower. To a lotus that rose from depths of the mud, shedding light upon the world – and how it resembled the destiny of an Exorcist.

He remembers that conversations with that young man, remembers his lifeless, dead body that was brought back from a battle-field – remembers his own decision to try and transfer that strong swordsman's soul to a new body.

A gamble he never imagined, yet hoped, to work out – the Second Exorcist program.

Looking the same soul, yet different person in the eye truly makes one consider one's own sins. But there's no room for remorse – he only did what he thought to be best for the Order, and that was that.

The man lets out a breath as he tears his eyes away from the door and turns away – the less Kanda knows, the better – the boy remembers glimpses of his past, but that's all he'll ever have, especially now that Alma is long gone.

And it's better that way.


End file.
